I’m just thinking about Guy going to his supervisor later this week to discuss the difficulty I have waiting between sessions.
Guy is an attachment specialist, obviously trained in the field, so no stranger to the concept. However, if it’s that much of a common journey I’m on, surely there must be a lot in the literature about it – or is it a fairly new idea in the field of psychotherapy?
All I know is that:
- I have a hard time between sessions
- I think about what to say in the next session a lot (making notes to take in but not always referring to them once I’m there)
- It feels like all I’m doing in life is sifting through to the very core of who I am, my history, those around me, absolutely all parts of my self and my life. As I write this I’m sitting in a cafe watching the world go by, and when a child cries I’m desperate for the carers to see what they are trying to say, to be there for them, probably to be the perfect parent that I can’t even be myself… but my point is, it’s everywhere. There is no escape. My eyes are open to a whole other world and I’m constantly assessing and weighing things up in my mind. This itself causes confusion because I’ve always been a person who notices things around me, but this is like a different dimension now.
- I feel that everything is on pause between sessions, it’s like holding my breath while diving underwater. Being in a therapy session is like coming up for air before I dive back down, holding my breath again.
- I’m at my absolute best when I’m in session. I mean, I sometimes have moments where I excel better than I do in therapy because I’m not showing my vulnerability and therefore look much more able and confident than I feel inside, but I don’t mean that. I mean I feel churned up and pulled about, like you might feel in a chiropractor clinic, but you know your back feels the best it felt all week and it’s really worth it. Things literally click into place and start to feel better.
- I feel the safest when I’m in the therapy room than anywhere else. It’s like a warm secret cave that no bears, tigers or cavemen can come and get me in. what’s not to like about that?
- It’s like topping myself up at the petrol station to be able to drive a few more hundred miles, unfortunately by mid-week I’m running on fumes again.
- I strongly believe, and always have, that two sessions a week would really help. Just as I’m getting low on fuel I could top up to keep me going the rest of the week. However, I do have the dilemma of needing the double sessions which go much deeper and are extremely beneficial, much more than a single session would be. Ideally I would have a double session each week followed by a top up single session, until such a time as not requiring it any further.
- While I don’t know what is going on exactly (I understand it to be attachment related but I don’t know what I can do with that limited understanding), I do believe completely that it is transitional and I won’t always be in this place. It’s been a long time though! And if there is a way to help the angst then I would be definitely up for that.
- I don’t think it’s a personality hangup/malfunction (trying desperately to think of everything objectively here!) because this is not how I normally operate at all. Quite the opposite; I love the freedom of relying on no man, but myself! Even though I’m leaning on Guy a bit here, it’s not my usual practice. When I say leaning on Guy, I mean needing to have some sort of contact because he’s the one who’s my therapist, not that I look for him to put shelves up or drive me into town or anything (can do that myself 😋). I mean more trusting his intentions and his clinical judgement, and when he’s convinced my husband is sincere then I’m more willing to give that idea a chance that I would have been, left to my own devices.
I wonder if I just have to put up with it? Or perhaps something can be done to help. My best guess is that Guy’s supervisor will say something like (at best);
- She needs to be safe in her own skin and in her own four walls rather than in therapy, so we need to teach her some strategies like meditation. Mindfulness is the new kid on the block so I would expect to be directed to that.
- Probably suggest doing EMDR to try and resolve the feeling of drowning and needing to hold my breath, only coming up for air when I’m in therapy.
- Scheduled contact, even if it’s to say, ‘Wotcha, I’m fine, nothing to say, thanks all the same’. Haha. You know what? I think I’m actually on to something with that one! I’ve got my fingers crossed this might actually be suggested! 😉
The worst case scenario from where I’m standing would be;
- Stop discussing traumatic stuff as it’s too much for her (creating taboo subjects)
- Half her sessions so she doesn’t go too deep
- Strictly disallow any contact outside of the room
If anyone reading this has any ideas, experience, solutions… anything at all, please feel free to throw your ideas my way.