I wrote this before employing ice maiden last week. I'm not sure ice maiden goes too much on vulnerability, but I decided to post it anyway because it's still relevant in the big picture. Being slightly resistant to it makes it no less true. Someone on WordPress referred to Brené Brown in their comments (but … Continue reading Vulnerability
I wrote how last week husband approached me to talk about the awful session we had, and that I didn't want to talk unless we were in session because I didn't want to do all that again and much worse because we were alone this time. He's now back to completely normal, as though nothing … Continue reading Follow on from ‘the talk’.
I phoned Guy on Monday to ask if I could see him on Thursday, should there be any availability. Guy said there wasn't but if the situation changed he would let me know. Yesterday I received a text from Guy saying he could arrange a short phone call because no sessions had become available.￼ Initially … Continue reading Follow on from the phone call
Before I start, I'd just like to point out I expect most, if not all of us, will have encountered something on the Power and Control Wheel in our relationships, whether it be as the instigator or the receiver. Despite this, I hope nothing I say here triggers anything harmful for you. When I wrote about … Continue reading Power and Control Wheel
In some ways I wish I'd never come to therapy. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the changes that have taken place. They've made such a big difference and there is no way I could have done this journey without my therapist, which is a scary thing to have to write because I never … Continue reading Lonely
I phoned Guy with some inspiration. I was in the middle of leaving a message on his phone when he called me back. "Hi Guy, you've just spared yourself having to listen to my answerphone message!" I said. Then I went on to explain why I was calling. Does he have any spare single sessions … Continue reading The post-session call
I remember less and less what we've talked about in session these days. I meant to record this one but forgot until halfway through, by which time it seemed too late and I didn't bother. Guy asked how things had been since Thursday with the joint session and I touched a little on how he'd … Continue reading #55. Raised drawbridge
Husband approached me past his usual bedtime today 'to talk'. I hesitated, thinking that I might not be able to think straight late at night with a tired brain, and he might not be at his best either because normally he gets grumpier when he's tired. Plus, I'm not interested in even talking to him … Continue reading The talk.
I'm still so shut down I don't feel like I'm in the real world at all. I feel like I should be bothered but am so far removed from any feeling at all, it doesn't touch the sides. Maybe it should. I'm thinking that I'm failing in counselling. I'm getting worse, not better. This turn … Continue reading Ice maiden
I realise that for some really strange reason I'm in some sort of survival mode at the moment. I have no good excuse for it, so I can't offer any decent explanation for it. Part of me doesn't really care that I can't justify it. Today was couple therapy and what a complete train-wreck. It … Continue reading Survival mode
I remembered how I spoke to Guy about husband telling me to shut up and how I told him I felt bullied by him, so he apologised. I told Guy I knew I was right factually in what I said, but had doubted myself about whether I somehow pushed husband into getting angry because I … Continue reading More thoughts from last session
I've been so dissociative of late and let's face it, haven't been exactly looking after myself in the best possible way, so not surprising that I found myself struggling a bit in session today. It felt like we hadn't really covered any ground. When I said this to Guy at the end, he read back … Continue reading #54. Difficult
To my surprise, I've found waiting for my next therapy session is made slightly easier by my new obsession with food. I know this is not healthy for me, but I find it a surprise that it has some sort of a warped silver lining. I wasn't expecting to experience this when I began to … Continue reading Dealing with the wait
I don't wish to whinge too much here, as much for myself as anyone else! But I'm finding it hard at the moment and I think some of it is because I've been fighting something off infection-wise, and psychologically partly linked to the fact I emailed Guy on Tuesday and then again on Wednesday morning, … Continue reading The war rages on
I met with my brother this week, and we talked a little about our childhood history. I was surprised to learn some of his troubles as a child; how could I grow up with him unaware that he was beaten up at school every single day? He also felt the sting of neglect for having … Continue reading Risky
Today I noticed a good few times I made a different kind of response to husband when I felt in some small way mistreated by him. He's on annual leave today which usually means life is going to be tough for a week. I wish it were not so and I hope it's not a … Continue reading Winds of change
An interesting article I read yesterday discusses wants versus needs, and got me pondering the difference. I think the article was trying to discuss more the idea of wanting physical goods to keep up with the Joneses, but it also spoke of the psychological want - like that of a relationship. It suggested a person … Continue reading Wants or needs?
I think I use psychotherapy as a springboard for gaining personal strength, so I can face the world out there with more courage and certainly: staying motivated to continue reappraising what is going on around me and helping me interpret my environment with a new level of insight. I use the service of psychotherapy for … Continue reading Psychotherapy sessions (and how I use them)
You can't re-write history. Or can you? I don't know if this is a therapist thing or not - Guy keeps telling me some of the stuff I come out with is text-book, such as, most recently, the fact I drew 'grounding' pictures I could visualise in my head, when I was at school, and … Continue reading Re-writing history
I'm just thinking about Guy going to his supervisor later this week to discuss the difficulty I have waiting between sessions. Guy is an attachment specialist, obviously trained in the field, so no stranger to the concept. However, if it's that much of a common journey I'm on, surely there must be a lot in … Continue reading What CAN be done with attachment difficulties?
I received a phone call from Guy about 15 minutes before today's session was due to start. When the call came in I was marching around the woods (again!), in my wellies, with my dog, glad the worst of storm Ciara is over now - and busy trying not to get too much mud over … Continue reading #53. Rollercoaster
I dreamt last night that I went to Guy's house for a session. He was finishing his food with his family, and I was 15 minutes early, but although I apologised and said we can start early if he likes, and finish the session early too... OBVS! In my dream Guy laughed and shrugged. He … Continue reading I want to meet the person in my dream!
Guy sent his weekly reminder about my session tomorrow, so I seized the opportunity and sent my text, explaining it'll help me to bring it up tomorrow if I've put it out there first and saying no need to reply today so I'm not intruding on his weekend. He replied. 😲🙈 Essentially the advice was; … Continue reading Quick update about fawning
As I was writing my post on not liking emotions, I had a sense that I'm unhealthily adhering to my husband's every wish. It's like some form of co-dependency because I want to please him to keep myself out of his bad books and so he will stay with me, although some of it is … Continue reading Fawning vs. Sacrifice
Feelings are just rubbish. Have you ever noticed how they sneak up and overwhelm at every available opportunity? I have. Even the 'nice' ones, which can feel confusing (how can happiness make you sad?) and I find are equally untrustworthy because, call me superstitious if you like (I'm actually not!) but they don't last and … Continue reading I hate feeling feelings!
This one is nothing to do with therapy for a change. But it's an important realisation that I came to yesterday and so I want to document it. What better place than on my blog!? I commented to husband last night, how the boys are getting on really well at the moment. But it hasn't … Continue reading Warnings aren’t always correct (just warning you! 😜)
This entry was hard to write and so I almost password-protected it, making it for my eyes only out of social conscience as much as anything else. But in the end I thought WTF, this is real life and for me the purpose of journaling is to keep a track on what's going on, telling … Continue reading Does therapy dredge up absolutely EVERYTHING?
I really am not sure how much is just me and how much is the same for everyone else in therapy, but the whole process just seems to be full of surprises! Maybe it is just that I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into? I began having therapy with Guy when … Continue reading Tales of the Unexpected
One of my losses with MS was good friends. I had a close network of four nurses, who would meet with me regularly in the best cool and trendy bars locally. Being cool and trendy has never been my aim in life, but certainly it was nice to feel I was welcomed in what felt … Continue reading Good friends
At first, I imagined in therapy there’d be some kind of ratio where, perhaps on a scale of 1:5 for every 1 good session, you get about 5 more normal-ish ones, until you get 1 really good session again - or something like that. What I’m experiencing right now, is a ratio of 100%! Okay, … Continue reading #52. I think I’m on the winning team!
How does a person stop being overly sensitive? I asked Guy once - or rather I announced my self-diagnosis, based on what other people have told me in the past: 'you're too sensitive'. Guy said something about wanting to know what made me so sensitive rather than seeing it as a fault that needs rectifying. … Continue reading Overly sensitive
Falling over - literally - is never much fun. For some ridiculous reason, when I was having a good moment MS-wise, I decided to spend that energy on chasing the puppy. I lost my bearings and tripped over, smashing the back of my head on a hard flagstone floor. Immediately I had a strong smell … Continue reading Falling over
Right from the very beginning of my counselling, Guy has really plugged this thing called self care.￼ I found myself telling my son on the way to school this morning, to remember that self care and distraction will help him get through the sudden loss of the grandparents' dog. He's really struggling with it, and … Continue reading Why is self care so difficult?