The more I go into stuff in therapy the more I seem to become this needy, dependent, useless person I just don't recognise. Unless I'm just losing the plot after all this time. Could it be that? Yes, I've always had the 'inner critic' (evidenced above!) and have become more aware of that constant voice … Continue reading Seriously, what IS wrong with me?
I could have contacted Guy yesterday if I had needed to, but I didn't. Before the Christmas break Guy had invited me to email any time I want (other than the main three days: Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day) to keep an eye on what's going on for me between sessions, and to … Continue reading Nice surprises
Recently I've stumbled a fair bit across various articles about boundaries. This is a concept I really struggle with; both other peoples' boundaries and my own. I can't say even that the picture is all that clear to me at this stage, more that I've begun to see a hint of some malfunction in that … Continue reading Boundaries
If you've read any of my blog before this entry you'll know I have a nursing background and so should know better than anyone else how to take care of people, right?! Wrong, when it comes to self-care. Hand on heart, I honestly don't know how much of my stupid decisions are related to impaired … Continue reading Such an idiot!
*Trigger warning: sexually explicit. Please do not read if it could upset you* I feel that I really let myself down last week. I don't get out much, partly because of MS and being a parent, and partly because husband just doesn't like that sort of thing, so it doesn't get done. Only this time … Continue reading Blackout
*Warning: potentially triggering as discussing rape.* I was watching the series ‘Unbelievable’ on Netflix, which, if you don't know is a story of a 16 year old girl who was raped but retracted her claim because she was not believed. If you don't want a spoiler alert you had better stop reading any further! In … Continue reading Triggers and tapping
I sent off the email yesterday and got a reply first thing this morning. I haven't cut and paste the whole thing, tempted though I was, as it feels a bit more cheeky to do without asking Guy first, and I'm not going to text him about this. I mentioned blogging about my sessions with … Continue reading A brilliant reply
In my last entry I told how Guy invited me to email at intervals to provide support and really explore what's going on for me between sessions. I didn't feel a huge push to message today (but think it was building). I didn't want to message on a Friday and have it spill over into … Continue reading First scheduled email
So this is it. The end of 2019, or at least, as far as therapy goes. Resume again in 3 weeks time. A New Year. Even though it will feel like a new start, it won't be, as we'll be picking up where we left off. I was coughing and spluttering my way through the … Continue reading #47. End of the year
I wrote earlier today that I intended not to text asking about my appointment next week. That was before Eliza commented on my post and showed me that it should matter whether I have to wait 3 or 4 weeks, and that it's okay to change my mind about texting if I want to. I … Continue reading Change of plan
I just wanted to say how interesting I am finding these turns of events with psychotherapy. Last session Guy invited me to text if I needed to, but asked me to make it clear it's me reaching out for reassurance and connection, and then he will do all he can to respond. Oh, and, to … Continue reading My choice
I feel overwhelmed by emotions at the moment. Ever since my couple session earlier today with husband I had had a churning sensation deep down. I tried to push it underground with as much alcohol as I could get away with but all that does it makes me want to cry. Well, to be fair, … Continue reading Engulfed
Husband began by telling of his recent experience of me. Apparently he's seen something is not quite right and wondered if it was something he's done. That was hard to hear as I don't want him to doubt himself; he seems to come across as not wanting close attachment himself, by his behaviour as well … Continue reading Final couple session for this year
Guy sat down opposite me and asked straight away about how I am compared to whatever was going on with me last week. I told him about the blog I'd read about bringing everything into the room in psychotherapy, and how I hadn't considered the element of respect to the counsellor and giving them a … Continue reading #46. Out in the open
A thought just occurred to me. Is it possible for a Brit to be completely unbridled with their honesty in therapy? I've been playing out in my head (not something I normally do at all) how I might tell Guy what's going on with me, and I can't shake off the fact we are both … Continue reading Honest AND British?
I've just read such a helpful blog article Ambivalence in psychotherapy that has really encouraged me to really give it my all, in my next session. The blog speaks of ways in which psychotherapy is different to counselling, which when seen in black and white like that makes it much clearer. I think I may … Continue reading New resolve
I've tried to really think long and hard about how I can explain to my therapist what's going on with me at the moment. I couldn't do it last week and I'm still not sure I'll be in the right place to explore this next week, but just in case I am I want to … Continue reading Organising thoughts
Fear is a hard one isn't it? I try to understand and allay my children's fear because I can see they have nothing to fear, yet when it comes to myself I can't decide whether the fear is real or imagined. I realise I am afraid to tell Guy how I reacted to his change … Continue reading Fear
Sometimes things just aren't visible to us in the beginning. Then, all of a sudden, you hear or read something that opens your eyes and the penny drops. How I am in therapy at the moment is bewildering to me. I do not recognise this from any stored template in my history of over 4 … Continue reading Slowly the penny drops
Guy unusually greeted me a few minutes late today. I had started to wonder if he had even turned up because I didn't see his car parked outside, but when I left the building after the session I spotted it. I think he must have arrived split seconds after me. I flicked a glance in … Continue reading #45. Bullet Proof in Session
The whole feelings thing is a mystery to me. I talk about feelings a lot but what I really mean is: 'I think', not 'I feel', but I've learned to use the word people look for most. I am not a feelings person; I am suspicious of them in both myself and others, and I … Continue reading Facts VS. Feelings
I am kicking myself for feeling slightly nervous about this week's therapy. Since last week I found myself hardening a bit, especially after my surgery when I didn't really care too much about anything. Interestingly I read a cool blog this morning about feelings of giving up, how they can sneak up on the best … Continue reading Nervous – again
I don't know what is the matter with me, but I've felt really depressed today. I don't have a history of depression as an adult, so this feels somewhat alien to me, if I'm honest. But I've found myself saying things I don't normally say and well, being generally difficult. If I could be bothered … Continue reading Feeling down