I had such mixed feelings about today. But true to form, Guy managed to tease me out of myself and work with me gently, to my benefit. I woke with such a cracker of a headache this morning that I could hardly concentrate. Guy noted I seemed a bit more distant than normal, which I … Continue reading Weary
I was tempted to go back and add an addendum to the last post but feel once people have read it, it's not fair to add a huge bulk at the end. It's one thing tweaking the odd typo it quite another to double its length. So I've added a part 2 instead. Part 1, … Continue reading It’s all about the children (Part 2)
I'm exploring my childhood so I can be free to deliver the best possible parenting for my own children. Or at least better than I would do if I was still wading through quicksand on my own, trying desperately to find a map showing me a good enough way through so I can avoid the … Continue reading It’s all about the children
I don't know why I'm feeling so cranky. I have a horrible feeling it says something not-very-nice about me. The day started off okay, I mean there was the usual busy school run and neither child seemed to really be up and at it today so it was an effort. Eldest child wailed seemingly endlessly … Continue reading Feeling cranky
True to his word, Guy began today's session recapping on the topic of last week's tarry sludge. Guy seemed to draw a connection to that sludge and me finding life is on hold between sessions, but I said I felt they were separate things. Guy asked me about the historical abuse and whether it still makes … Continue reading I think I like this idea!
Number 20 on my list of bullet points Guy asked me to keep from last week's session is: 20. Not sure, but I wonder if having ‘less’ thoughts about therapy this week is because I feel I am monitoring myself and (like an insightful person suggested on my blog) there could be some element of … Continue reading I wonder.
At the end of my session last week I mentioned how I find it hard to last all week before coming in to session again. Guy responded by not offering more sessions as I hoped(!) but by asking me to bullet point lists of what thoughts are coming up between sessions each week so we … Continue reading Why does monitoring make it vanish?
Earlier in the week our son sat before a psychiatrist who determined he may show possible signs of being on the lower end of the Autism/Aspergers spectrum. The psychiatrist felt as he grows older it will become increasingly evident and suggested we may want to consider getting an assessment done if we would find that … Continue reading Labelling
After confessing to Guy in therapy this week that I am perhaps not so much over my problem with swimming as I first imagined, I had a surprising and delightful dream last night. I was in a swimming pool, it was really familiar and I felt like I'd been in this dream before. Only this … Continue reading Going swimmingly
*Sexual abuse trigger warning*The subconscious is such a complex world, isn't it. When I sat down today, Guy talked about the phone call from a few weeks ago which was our last point of contact. He asked how I felt at the end of it, saying he had the sense that I wasn't completely okay with … Continue reading Subconscious world
*Sorry if this seems a bit crude, this is the nursing side of me that can talk about anything at mealtimes and forgets not everyone else necessarily likes to with me! So if you are one such person then you might want to look away now* It's just occurred to me that one really good … Continue reading Silver linings
Many months ago, I put my request for more therapy time to Guy one final time. I had already asked a few times and it didn't materialise, which only served to feed my belief that he doesn't want to do therapy with me or that I have no right to therapy in the first place … Continue reading Double or twice?
I think Guy seemed to want to use EMDR To work on my childhood bullying for all those years. It's suddenly occurred to me that it might not work, and here's why. The years of torment became my whole existence as I grew up from the age of 7 onward. It's quite confusing actually, because … Continue reading Will EMDR even work on this?
Sometimes I just don't know what's okay to say and what's not okay to say. Especially with something like the therapeutic relationship where honesty is extremely valuable. Is it okay if I say to Guy I don't care he's male, it's never got in the way and I don't see him as male or female … Continue reading Uncertainty
I sent Guy a text yesterday morning asking for 5 minutes of his time. I saw him sign in throughout the day but he didn’t pick up my message. This in itself never sits well with me. When someone signs in, they are there to.... pick up messages. So straight away I’m at the bottom … Continue reading Didn’t go according to plan
Last therapy of summer holidays 2019. The next session will be in September when everyone is back in school. I wish this session had ended on more of a positive than it did, and I don’t know how much is simply that it all feels left hanging in the air with nowhere to take it … Continue reading A mixed bag
Early on today Guy suggested EMDR. If I were in a teasing mood I'd have pulled his leg about it being his new clinical toy because we talked about EMDR a few weeks ago, even though nothing came of it. It was with regard to my fear of water after a near-drowning incident in my … Continue reading EMDR next time?
Hate them. Holidays get so much in the way! I know they’re necessary and all that, but it just seems to be we’re settling right back into things and then one of us is off again. This summer we were away on week 1, Guy was away on week 4, and we will be away … Continue reading I wonder if breaks are the same for therapists?
Can’t believe I forgot to mention this. In my last week’s session I fessed up to Guy how I had looked him in the eyes and outright lied about being OK when he asked; something I’ve never done to him before and I’m not proud of it. I’m a great believer in starting as you mean to … Continue reading Post Script: from last week
When Guy cried in our last session I had my first introduction to the unique experience of ‘mirror neutrons’, which greatly impressed upon me, burning deep in my soul; touching parts that I did not even know existed. Today I sent him a text thanking him for that and explaining it had begun to reverse … Continue reading Worth crying for
I just realised something about yesterday’s session. Guy commented on how he thought the psychologist report didn’t accurately reflect me at all; she had met me alongside my husband to talk to me about my son, and she really didn’t know me on any level. She didn’t know that When I was giving birth to … Continue reading Reversal
It was sooo good to have today's session with Guy. I talked through the psychologist report with him and explained how down I felt as a result of being told my son's anxiety is not related to his school problems - despite developmental assessment flagging up huge deficits that would explain why this is such … Continue reading Mirror neurons: a surprising experience
Today we went to discuss the various reports our son has undergone to date with the psychologist who outlined our marriage problems as being a factor in the stress for our son. Some of it was great to hear because it gives us hope for change; if we can sort ourselves out then we can … Continue reading Assessment follow-up
Went to joint therapy again today. I haven't said much in this blog about whats going on there as I've tried to keep it all separate, but its beginning to somehow seep through the walls into my personal sessions and so today I will mention it. My husband and I embarked on couple counselling over … Continue reading Withdrawal
Going back to my previous two blog entries recently: A few holiday thoughts, and Further thoughts on therapy, I mentioned sitting on a lovely Greek beach contemplating what’s currently important in my life. This largely featured my current therapy, so here's another question I considered while I was there (I made a list - lest I forget - … Continue reading More questions
I'm married to an alcoholic. I didn't know I was getting into that sort of a relationship when we first met, I was naive in so many ways, thinking that surely an alcoholic can't possibly hold down such a responsible job? I hadn't really considered the role of a functioning alcoholic. So it was quite … Continue reading Freedom under the influence
Yesterday I posted about Some thoughts about the cost of therapy among other things relating to having psychotherapy. This train of thought led to me beginning to also think of the actual sessions I'm having with Guy each week. I have a few new questions to ask him, as well as to let him know … Continue reading Further thoughts on therapy
I asked Guy if I could call him. Husband's work hours had just changed and I felt it would be a big old muddle to text back and forth, trying to change the original dates and wade our way through multiple texts to try and find a workable solution. This is all covered in a … Continue reading Quick update about the arranging a new date
I don't know if it's because Guy is on a break, or because I'm doing an awful lot of idly sitting alone watching my children play in the park and water at the beach, or whether its even just simply a phase that everyone in therapy goes through about this sort of time in their … Continue reading Some thoughts about the cost of therapy
Last week’s family therapy with Guy and husband went pretty well. Guy recommended a couple of books for us to read, but because of my current medical state I can't read a book very easily. I can cope with a short blog page or two but not a whole chapter of a book, which is pretty … Continue reading Childhood attachment and parenting
I feel such a mug. I fell for it once again! I'm just not going to do this next time, or at least, I hope I don't allow myself to get talked into it again. What happens is this: Step 1. Husband and I finish session with Guy. Step 2. Guy asks me to WhatsApp … Continue reading Why is arranging the next session such a palaver?
Last night, husband and I attended a joint session with Guy, the first time in about 4 months or so. Only this time it wasn't about our marriage, though it should have been as it was the original intention, but because of recent events with our family crisis it ended up being more family therapy. … Continue reading Family therapy
Well, after doubting myself in yesterday’s post about being able to bring up my question in session today, I managed to mention it. Go me! It was touch and go for a moment though, as I went completely blank at the start because I just didn't know how to broach it. It all started when I … Continue reading I did it!
Sitting here thumbing through some old notes I’m considering what to discuss tomorrow. I don’t want this session to be solely about my dear boy, incredibly important though he is, and though I’m happy to touch on his situation I don’t want to miss a proper session like I’ve been doing these past few weeks. … Continue reading What to say tomorrow?
I suppose its inevitable that, sitting on a hot, sunny beach in Greece, listening to the waves rhythmically, almost in slow motion crashing gently on the shore, my mind will wander to what is most important to me in life at the moment. I find being immersed in nature this way more therapeutic than an … Continue reading A few holiday thoughts
I wrote on Mumsnet asking for help with my 9 year old son (DS) because he is so emotional and volatile at the moment. I said: Awaiting therapeutic input and assessments to be completed but every day we have tantrums and tears, over the most tiny incidents that are blow way out of proportion. It … Continue reading Not me directly, but me as a parent
So, in I went to this week's therapy session, bracing myself to address the whole 'termination' topic. I had psyched myself up for this, properly prepared. In other words I had started a thread on Mumsnet(!) and been repeatedly advised to broach the topic with my therapist who would know how to deal with it. … Continue reading Unnecessary
I've had about half a glass. And I feel like crying. And when I feel like crying after my half a glass of red wine, I think of how my therapy feels so uncertain now and how it makes me want to cry. And it makes me think how I wish I had a magic … Continue reading Wine or whining?
So this is going to sound a bit weird and twisted. But I need to ask my therapist Guy to assist me and equip me with whatever tools necessary to cope in the event that he terminated my therapy. Because I think it's only a matter of time before he does. Why do I think … Continue reading A bit weird
We spent a ridiculously long time discussing what happened when Guy put the phone down on me on Monday. It was a good 20-25 minutes, going round and round. For the first time ever I didn't feel I could get him to see what I was saying, it was like I was pouring tennis balls … Continue reading Start of the big repair
Guy put the phone down on me today. I was still talking when it happened. I had cancelled Wednesday appointment this week, sending a text on Saturday, and has been pretty brusque, not embellishing it with "Dear Guy, ..." like I usually would. It was probably obvious I was not happy with him. Then on … Continue reading Changed forever
Today we were in the other room I spotted last week and wanted to go into. It was, as I thought, much better. Uncluttered and simple but reasonably tasteful and very comfortable chairs at just the right height. I was half expecting to pick up where we left off last week but my son took … Continue reading A different side
So glad I went to today's session. Guy spoke a bit about yesterday but I didn't really have all that much to say about it. I ended up changing the subject (when it seemed a natural break in conversation) to my son's assessment last weekend. I explained the results and how it had helped give … Continue reading Glad I went
Turned up at today's appointment as usual, only this time in the new place and an hour earlier than normal. Guy sent me his reminder text the day before as usual, just like he has done for almost a year now, and I checked it showed the new time of 11am instead of the usual … Continue reading Enough.
*Warning: abuse trigger alert) Today was a really great session, it was one I came away from feeling lighter in my body. It feels really nice actually. It felt weird being there because its essentially an empty building and the clock is ticking down to its final hours, literally. Guy began again by saying I'm … Continue reading Lighter
I dreamt about Guy today. It was short and sweet but definitely different to the others. Dream number 1 was back in November, he was in his car with his wife, and we were in a house that doesn't actually belong to us but was the old convent by the hospital, a property with big … Continue reading Unreal but good
Sometimes I somehow manage to confound myself! Last night I was so offended by Guy not replying to my texts trying to arrange another joint session with him. I recalled how I texted last week and he responded by suggesting we can easily arrange it next session, but we both forgot so I had to … Continue reading Last night
Today's session started with Guy saying how I look brighter today. I responded by saying how shit the week had been, saying take your pick out of potato-gate, driving-gate or pond-gate! I started by saying how I'd left last week's session with a new resolve to go 50:50 now, in an effort to make things … Continue reading Digging deeper
The annoyance with Guy hasn't abated. So much so that I am seriously considering stopping therapy altogether. I am offended and I don't see why I should try to open myself to someone who offends me.
I'm a bit pissed off with my shrink if I'm honest. I know I am trying not to text between sessions but I've been given permission to if I must. Yet I have been studiously ignored. Okay, out of fairness I should confess I sent a text while still under the influence of a general … Continue reading Whatever.
Today’s session I discussed my new thoughts about advocating for my self. I voiced my concern that I could end up being selfish by falling out of one ditch and straight into the other. And I don’t want to end up some sort of narcissistic bitch. I explained that Readers Digest joke about the exhausted and … Continue reading Live and learn
We got talking immediately about having MS. I explained how I'd bought a couple of bookshelves and secretly lugged them up the stairs (a killing effort!) without telling my husband because I thought he'd be upset I bought them (based on previous skirmishes where I get the Spanish Inquisition about why I've bought yet another … Continue reading Why vs. why not
*Warning: possibly triggering* So today was a recap briefly of last week. I said how it had given me a bit more of a 'backbone', somehow strengthened me a bit. Hard to say how or why, but I was aware it had lasted all week to my surprise and delight. We talked of how I … Continue reading The Grief Cycle
*Abuse trigger warning* Today Guy asked if I was okay after last week, because I seemed to be a bit not quite okay as I left. I love it when he does this; when he notices whats happened and picks up on it. It makes me feel like I used to feel when working with … Continue reading A little bit lighter
Today started with Guy referring to my text last week where I asked for assistance as I was feeling at a bit of a loss. I said I wanted to be mindful of the fact it's not fair to my husband to speak of him here when he's not with us, and would rather keep … Continue reading More of a debrief
It's been a long Easter break and very eventful, today's session didn't take too long to get reacquainted again. First of all we talked about my husband’s broken leg and everything around that, interestingly Guy talked to me about how it all impacted on me and all the extra I have to do. I explained … Continue reading Getting reacquainted
I've been reading a blog today, where a psychiatrist (called Jeffrey Smith) speaks in great depth of the client-therapist relationship and how if used correctly, it can facilitate great healing. The words I read ring so true to my experience, it's incredible to have a total stranger write so accurately about me without having met … Continue reading Therapeutic relationship
I wrote this in response to someone’s query about therapy and wanted to keep it for my own point of reference really. Maybe it will be a marker to see how far I’ve come in the future? —–o—— In the process of having psychotherapy and finding it both hard and rewarding. It’s hard because I … Continue reading Just for reference
I like to catch up with each session, but I haven’t had the rest I need before going today and so I feel recalling the session I’ve just had much harder. Again, not necessarily in the right order, we talked about a birthday card poem I was given and touched a little bit on the … Continue reading In brief
Today’s session is hard to write about. Not because it was emotional in any way, but because it was a bit chopping and changing all over the shop. I came away without that deep feeling of having got somewhere specific, except perhaps the last few moments at the end. It started by talking of how … Continue reading A little bit bitty
We had another session and I’m glad I went because it was awkward at first but no sooner had I sat down when Guy immediately brought up the last session and apologised for being so black and white. He said it must have felt confusing, and with my history in mind there was no need … Continue reading Relief
I just flounced out of my session. Guy had ignored my text yesterday asking him to remember to bring in the photo he said he would and he didn’t reply. I then sent another text today saying I would pretend he didn’t just ignore me and would pester him further to ask whether he wants … Continue reading Right royally pissed off
I sent Guy my usual text after our session, I don’t know what is wrong with me that I do this! Especially when I know I probably shouldn’t and I don’t want to be a pest, but I can’t seem to help myself! Anyway, I my text: “Hey Guy, do let me know what works … Continue reading Why is this a bother?
Today was the first session of thinking about ‘clean and light’. So we started looking at some of the historical narrative for my life. I explained how I didn’t fit the mould for girls, I didn’t like playing with dolls and knitting or baking, I wanted to be out there making bows and arrows and … Continue reading Clean and Light
Today was another double session. I can’t say I will get everything in the right order, but here are some highlights. The session started with Guy giving me a sheet of paper and a pen so I can write when I get a feeling in the body as we talk. I said I was cool … Continue reading Shifting sands
I need to fess up to having morphed into some unrecognisable needy person with this whole therapy thing. I hate it! It repulses me and offends my intensely independent self. But it’s there and I can’t truthfully deny it. I still hate that word needy. It was always used to describe the lowest of the … Continue reading Needy. There, I said it!
So today was a double session. It felt not all that much different, except that I think we covered more ground (well logically a double session does do that, right?! But I wasn’t sure it would FEEL that way) whereas normally we’d have stopped halfway through and that would have been that. I wonder if … Continue reading First double session
I posted on Mumsnet asking whether any therapists could tell me whether they would ignore a client who asked if you are being ignored. They all said they would which surprised me. Some began to try and lecture me on how therapists have a life out there, doncha know, but others scrutinised my need to … Continue reading Mumsnet help
*Abuse trigger warning* Today’s sessions was a bit of the bridging of old me and now me. Guy highlighted the younger me may be afraid and in hiding because of the present, slightly impatient, champing at the bit, no nonsense, adult me. He spoke of risking two possible reactions from little me, one is that … Continue reading Bridging the gap
So I wrote to Guy on Friday lunchtime to ask for the book he promised the day before. No reply until the next day. I thanked him and apologised for eating into his downtime, telling him I would think long and hard before texting on a Friday if it eats into his weekend off, as … Continue reading Had enough
*Abuse trigger warning* Today’s session with Guy started with me getting straight into some honest talk. It began with me saying I prefer the middle chair and Guy asked why that is – do I prefer my husband being there too? I said no, its not that at all, and after some thought I said … Continue reading Honest talk
*Abuse trigger warning* I’m finally getting somewhere. I stumbled across some online searches for repressed memories and read the opposing viewpoint. I decided to take that plunge because I asked myself: do you really want to know if you’re wrong? And the answer was a resounding YES! No matter how painful it would be, I … Continue reading Tide changing slowly
I actually felt quite nervous today. Guy asked how I felt and I said "okay", and he kept repeating okay? He was kind of asking what okay actually means. So I think I might have made a bit of a joke about how I’ve survived it (the medical problems and treatment) but then I admitted … Continue reading Today’s session
I sent a message to Guy at 9am yesterday asking whether we could arrange a joint session as planned. I saw he picked it up at 11am, but he didn’t reply all day. Again. He’s done this on many an occasion now, and I hate how it makes me feel. I seemed to recall he … Continue reading Last night I was thinking of stopping
I just sent this today after yesterday’s session where Guy asked me the regular “what are you hoping to gain from this” question. Hope it will go down ok, it’s a bit long! Guy I know you quite understandably didn’t want therapy between sessions, however you may recall saying it would be ok to send … Continue reading An email
*abuse trigger warning* My last December session was on 20th December. Guy wanted to know how I remembered what had happened to me in my very early childhood, so I told him about how being with my ex was probably a trigger for me, I felt so trapped. We talked about how I had driven … Continue reading The last session 2018
Today’s session with Guy went well. Last week I felt he wasn’t engaged with it, I didn’t know if this was due to having a bad hair day or just not buying into the whole process, and it slightly unnerved me. I got the sense that he would bolt given half the chance. It was … Continue reading Finally
Today felt so awkward at the start. I was dreading Guy asking me how I am, so I talked about how the weather can’t make up its mind, to distract him in the hope he wouldn't notice I had brightly answered but not actually addressed his "how are you" question. He then repeated his question. … Continue reading Really good session
To cut a long story short, my husband and I started marriage counselling with Guy the psychotherapist. This suddenly and unexpectedly opened up a Pandora’s box over my past complex childhood traumas, so I asked to see the therapist separately too. We did this with my husbands full knowledge and agreement, on the understanding that … Continue reading Why?
I kind of wanted to add some thoughts about the last session. Guy wanted me to end the session by soothing the little person. He demonstrated stroking his hand gently, saying that she’s safe now, but I didn’t want to, so I didn’t. We talked about Guy’s request for me to regularly nurture her, but … Continue reading Genie in a bottle
*Abuse trigger alert* Overnight I woke as usual with the familiar replaying of one of the experiences I had back then, only this time I tried going there in my imagination to soothe the trapped and anxious child. I don’t know if I quite got it right from what Guy said in our session (but … Continue reading Conquering at last
*Abuse trigger alert* I told Guy about wanting to kill myself in my grandparent's lovely safe house with a knife from the kitchen downstairs.I was only a child; a child who couldn't bear the idea of returning home to all my problems and I knew I couldn't live here with grandparents, so it seemed the … Continue reading What I said
I don't know quite why it didn't occur to me to keep a record of my first two sessions with Guy. I have no recollection of them and so have no idea what was discussed. At any rate, I began to journal them by the third session and here it is: Just had my 3rd … Continue reading Third Session
I’ve been in therapy for about eight months now. I kind of fell into it quite by accident when my husband and I became unable to paper over the cracks in our relationship anymore. I point blank refused to go back to Relate like we had done some 5 years previously; I felt it was … Continue reading Time for change